(Oh boy, here we go! Although the next few paragraphs will be written with a heavy heart, therapy session #1 is about to begin).
Four months ago, on April 7th, my father drew his last breath after a valiant fight with bladder cancer. The world was blessed with 68 years of life, laughs, teachings, leadership by example, and the absolute hardest work ethic you ever saw. In the last few months, many of you have asked how I’m doing. Mostly I respond that “I’m doing ok." This response has felt the most appropriate and since it has usually gotten me on to the next subject, I went with it time and time again (nobody wants to be the party-pooper!). "Ok" does not mean I'm doing great but it also doesn't mean I have become incapacitated. I am still me, but before I write another post, allow me to break the silence as to my current emotional status.
The truth is, this remains the hardest thing I have ever faced. My brother, mother, and I are still in a day-by-day grieving process. We have banded together, become closer, and have pulled each other up if one of us feels particularly down or in disbelief that Dad is no longer here. So soon after Dad’s death the calendar decided to cruelly frontload many events that my father would have loved to have been a part of: Easter, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, my graduation from law school, his grandson Paulie’s baptism (this month), and four birthdays: mine, my mother’s, grandson Cruzie’s, and grandson Paulie’s).
*Not to mention Dad would have loved the beautiful family gatherings we had for his novenario (especially with the presence of his brothers and sisters from Mexico).
You never know your true strength until you have no other choice but to be strong. The sorrow has not yet entered into the realm of the past tense; it is still very present. I have mostly looked inward, towards family, and towards faith for strength during these tough times. Personally, I have relied on my own sense of humor (I should mention my humor comes from my dad who was always making people laugh) to break my mood if I am feeling particularly down.
This year has been anything but easy for me and my life seems to have moved at a 100 mph pace since my father’s death. It is often said that there is a feeling of comfort in remaining busy. I felt something alright, but the workload I faced hit me more like a ton of bricks. On top of the many arrangements a family must prepare to bury a loved one and the emotional toll a loss of this magnitude inflicts (I would describe it if words could do it justice), I became backlogged with work at my job and with my studies. I worked around the clock to graduate law school on time with my classmates. Luckily, I received extensions to complete my assignments and final papers. However, the day I finished my last paper was the day before bar exam preparation began and I pushed myself to my utmost limits to show up prepared for that dreaded test.
Some have commented to me that they don't know how I pulled it all together. A few teachers and administrators were doubtful as well as to whether I could pull it off. An option was presented (and strongly suggested) to me that I delay graduation and perhaps not take the bar exam this summer. This, to me, seemed like the “curl up like a rollie pollie” option. I was having none of it! The one constant thought I had was that my dad would not have wanted me to let his death disable me. So, I studied through the tears, I fought the loss of concentration due to thoughts of my father during every single final exam, wrote my papers, and found the will to study all summer and about 14 hours a day throughout July (despite headaches and eye strain) to whip myself into shape for the bar exam.
Before anyone thinks I am some Azteca warrior Mexican version of He-Man , you should first have a conversation with my pillow. For lack of a more eloquent way to put this, it sucks! Bad! I am incredibly saddened by the events my dad has not and will not get to see. Paulie is taking his first steps this week and Cruzie played his first summer of tee-ball. I even get saddened thinking about future events that may or may not even happen in my life for thoughts that my dad won't be there to see them. I still think about my dad over 10 times each day before I even have lunch, and honestly, it has not been so long since the days I’ve not cried have outnumbered the days I have.
I can’t believe it has been 4 months. For better or for worse, one decision I made and stuck to is that I have not relied on many of my closest friends for support. There are too many of you to name but knowing you are there, hearing your messages, seeing your support through emails, texts, and facebook postings has helped me cope more than you could ever imagine. I have read every word of every message and posting. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your offers of support. My lack of reliance on you is mostly a reflection that I feel I must test my ability to rely on the one person who’s going to have to deal with me the rest of my life: Me! Furthermore, as will be explained in future postings, my dad prepared me my whole life for these post-dad moments.
I have recently checked out “Wisdom from our Fathers” by the late Tim Russert. Oh boy...hearing the stories of people talk about their fathers has been tough to digest for me, but it has already inspired an idea! On (or around) the seventh day of each month I will be blogging a nugget of wisdom that my dad has instilled in me or a heartfelt memory I will carry with me for the rest of my days. The first will be in my next posting scheduled for Wednesday! For now, here is a beautiful photo of my dad (this edition by Arlene Hinojosa is different from the other version on my Facebook page and has never before been released. Thanks again Arlene!). Below the photo is the last song I karaoked and a song that I have listened to many many times as a message I know my dad would have wanted me to embrace: that I should not stop living my life, and I should live it to the fullest and as though I were dying!
I love you old man! I miss you dearly and I pray you are up there watching and smiling down on us. Until we meet again, rest in peace!
 |
| Gregorio Cruz Rico 3/12/1943 - 4/7/2011 Rest in Peace |
No comments:
Post a Comment